Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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