$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
