what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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