Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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