Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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