i jhust puked up my retainher.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
