how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
