I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
