Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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