i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize