Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
