chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
