saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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