My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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