I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My pussy is not your playground.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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