The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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