There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
