He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
