WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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