I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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