Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
