i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
