you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
