so that wasnt chicken after all
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
