pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
