I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
