I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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