But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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