I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
