Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
