I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
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im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
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Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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