i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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