im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
