brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
