Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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