My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
