I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
