If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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