You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
