god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
