Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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