The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
