i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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