i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
