so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
this is an emotional support booty call
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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