Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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