I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
True college students do jello shots in the library
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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