The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
