The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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