new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
