sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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