great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
