please come you make the beer taste better
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
