my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
