Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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