Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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